"No, I Am Your Father! That's what I should've said!"

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Thank you to Ian Smith for the conversation that inspired this silly idea and for suggesting a meme of famous quotes going wrong.

Here's the text in full:

“Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. Look… When Obi Wan chopped off my legs… You see, this… all this… the heavy breathing and the robot limbs… I suppose I’m more machine than man now. When we were at the first Death Star… Oops! Shouldn’t have said that! I mean THE Death Star… Anyway, when I was trying to shoot down your fighter and kill you I swear I had NO IDEA who you were. I thought: “well the force is definitely strong with this one!”, but how was I supposed to know who you were? No one told me about you! Obi Wan never said a thing. I mean, we hadn’t talked in twenty years, but he knew where I was. Maybe he was worried about that whole “circle is now complete” thing and the striking down… Do you know what happened to the body, by the way? He was standing right there and then after I killed him he just disappeared! Nothing! You were watching, right? Where did the body go? Anyway, I had absolutely no idea who you were until my master told me. He was going to have you killed! But I talked him out of it, because, I know it’s hard to believe right now, but I do care about you. It’s not easy for me to show it. I have a lot going on right now. I have… anger issues. But I meditate now and I’m getting better. Well, I did Force Choke Ozzel to death from my meditation chamber earlier, so I still have some way to go, but I accept that and I am making progress. I’m trying, and that’s the main thing. And the Dark Side, it’s just SO powerful! And the whole anger thing with the Dark Side is quite a combination, but sometimes things get a bit out of hand. We don’t actually do that much with the Dark Side though to be honest, except lightning and the chokes. Lots of chokes actually. I’ll teach you that one, *heh heh*. What I’m trying to say here is, this isn’t how I wanted it to be. I never meant for all this to… My master promised me he’d teach me how to save the ones I loved. As long as I, you know… He wanted me to betray my friends and my pregnant wife, and there were these younglings... But by then all Jedi were declared enemies of the Republic so it wasn’t that bad. And it was for the best because I was trying to protect everyone! You can see that, right? That was just before we dismantled the Republic and I helped the Emperor take control of the galaxy. I know this is hard to understand, you weren’t there, but the biggest enemy of the Republic then WAS the Republic. Sounds insane, I know, but I swear that’s how it was and we had to DO something. But I didn’t do any of it for me! Can you understand what I mean? I took a new master and tried to kill my best friend, but it was the only option I had. Everything in the galaxy was a mess and I don’t think I’d been thinking completely straight since the thing with the Sand People and your grandma. That was absolutely my own decision, though. And they asked for it! Have you ever been to Tatooine? It’s a hole. I was born there and I met your mother there. Wait, do you even know about your mother? Did Obi Wan tell you anything about her? The whole THING was about her! She was so beautiful. I thought she was an angel when I first saw her. Ha! I was just a kid and she was a teenager. She’d come to my town with Obi Wan because they had trouble with their ship. Actually there was this whole thing about taxes and people trying to secede from the Republic. Eventually we annihilated their army, which is kind of ironic when you think about what we did as soon as the war was over. But anyway, there was this trade embargo on her planet… Look, do you want to go and get a coffee or something? This isn’t the best place to have this conversation and I can tell I’m making a complete mess of it. Your arm must be killing you! We should get that looked at. I’m sorry I chopped your hand off, and trying to freeze you just now and everything… It’s totally safe by the way! I know because we tested it on your friend! Ok, that came out wrong. Look, let me start again from the top…”